Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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