This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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