You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I need a beard to bite.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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