i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
