I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
