Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
