I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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