Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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