You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
