this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
