I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
