There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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