I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
