Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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