got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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