If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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