at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You made out with two different species that night
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
