I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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