I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
