i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
