mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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