it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Is it because I queefed?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
