my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
