Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
