Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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