wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize