My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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