I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just had sex on a roof
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
