get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
