I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
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