If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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