I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize