i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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