Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize