I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
