Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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