I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
