Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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