My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Randomize
