I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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