dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
