Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
