is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
