Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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