Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
