She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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