First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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