Already got asked if we're dating
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
