I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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