i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
