I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
