Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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