I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
