so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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