my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Operation Purity has been aborted
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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