how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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