I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize