my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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