So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
